Letters to my Ex

And as I sit here in solace, reading another heart breaker of Nikita Singh (the author) and all of her letters written to her ex, I wonder if I will ever be able to write one to you.

I still have so much to say,

over the years, just like my beard which you pushed me to keep, has grown, I have grown too.

However this fact will always pain me that my growing into a man came with bitterness. It came with my habit of questioning everyone, all their good deeds and their intentions (towards me or towards the world that now was irrelevant to me). 

I remember how I would look at everyone with disdain. I have always refused to admit that for some years, I had started to hate every person who looked happy to me, be it a friend or a stranger. And this emotion came with a lot of guilt for I was realizing the kind of man I was turning into.

Somewhere deep down I felt that life had been unfair to me in terms of love. I loved you with an intensity that could turn volcanoes into beautiful valleys, but in return you couldn’t love me half as much as I will always love you.

But then, I guess it was all you ever had to even yourself to love.

But at least I grew, I matured, I planned my moves, I stopped believing everyone’s “Forever promises“. I stopped expecting people to go out of their way to make sure I am fine, even though I always did.

Yes, I cursed my friendships with almost everyone, I declared it to myself that they were not there for me for long enough. They gave up, they stopped checking upon me, and as I grew out “the idea of love”, to an extent I also grew out of the idea of forever friendships or forever bonds as well.

 
I questioned myself too, I went too deep into scrutinizing myself to find answers to why I wasn’t enough good for you to not let me go, or I should put it as, for not letting me stop you from going away.

I still have many questions, that I keep asking anonymously on my Instagram page, the questions that a lot of people are willing to answer, but I only want you to. 

I don’t think I will ever be able to write any letters to you, after all, it wasn’t me who left.

by CA Nitin Kaushik

Check out my last post “Let me caress your soul” & “I have been with a lot of men“

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